Fundamentalism Comes to Major League Baseball

2 04 2008

As this season starts up, we sprang for the pricey package of MLB games on cable for the first time. Young Son and his dad are citizens of Red Sox Nation and they sat rapt last night, watching Oakland play their beloved world championship team. At Oakland.

Young Son was puzzled then indignant then outraged, that Oakland took an early lead and for some innings the score remained Oakland 1, Boston 0.

He finally announced it was a “rules” problem, that the Oakland team was violating the fundamental rules of major league baseball, which it may need reminding of, since last year’s world championship season:

Five Fundamental Rules of Baseball by Young Son

1. You can’t outrun Jacoby Ellsbury.

2. You can’t outpitch Manny Ramirez.

3. You can’t outpitch Big Papi.

4. You can’t get a run off Papelbon.

5. You can’t tire out Beckett.

(I think Hillary and Bill must have a similar set of DNC rules in mind, outraged to see being flouted by Obama’s performance to this point in the Game. Although hmm, Bill and James Carville were talking football rather than baseball, and Hillary now fancies herself a prizefighter running up Rocky’s steps without quitting . . .and I hear Obama isn’t playing ball either, he’s in the gutter now, or something like that. . .)

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9 responses

2 04 2008
Crimson Wife

ROTFLMAO! Though I’m not sure that someone can be a *TRUE* Red Sox fan if he/she does not have vivid memories of having his/her heart broken by at least one of the pre-2004 World Series. That pretty much rules out anybody younger than late twenties…

2 04 2008
JJ

That’s a fact. And it’s bona fide around here. His dad grew up in Beverly and is in his fifties now, passed the pure gene down to his kids. This is a man I’ve never heard swear much even though he’s a crusty old Yankee newspaperman — except to snarl “Bucky freakin’ Dent” on occasion, just like Jimmy Fallon and his pals in the movie Fever Pitch. 😉

Young Son watched the whole 2004 playoffs and series with me while his dad was out of town on protracted temporary assignment (I hate election years and hurricane years, sigh.) He was very, very young but SO sunny and optimistic through it all, even when it was darkest and we ALL had given up. He was a true believer unscarred by history. Hence his complete fealty, his faith in these rules as governing the whole universe. To him they’re backed up by lifelong scientific observation, I guess . . .it’s just been a really short lifetime to date.

2 04 2008
JJ

CW, Young Son has just seen your comment and he’s insisting that 2003, when Pedro was looking so good but then was left in too long, should count for his citizenship. What say you?
From wikipedia:

Martínez was also on the mound for Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS versus the Yankees. With the Red Sox ahead 5-2 at the start of the 8th inning, a tiring Martinez pitched his way into trouble. He was visited on the mound by manager Grady Little, but was left in to pitch, in a controversial non-move. The Yankees tied the score against Martinez in that inning on four successive hits, leading to a dramatic extra-inning, series-ending victory for New York.

2 04 2008
JJ

Or COD? He could be our mutually acceptable authority figure for this ruling . . .

2 04 2008
Crimson Wife

I’ll have to ask my dad about the ’03 ALCS vs. the ’86 WS because he was an adult for both and neither was his initial letdown by the Sox (that was ’67). For me, ’86 was much worse. However, that may have more to do with the difference between first-time heartbreak at age 9 vs. “here we go again” at age 26.

My brother jokes that I need to keep having kids because the Sox have won the WS the years that both of mine have turned 2 🙂

2 04 2008
JJ

Oh, I definitely concur — that youthful first time heartbreak is the worst! 🙂

4 04 2008
COD

Anybody that suffered through Grady Little’s managerial decision making has suffered plenty.

7 04 2008
sandy feet

Your son is absolutely right. The team needs to return to the church at Fenway and renew our faith in these fundamental tenets of baseball.

Amen.

8 04 2008
JJ

Can’t be soon enough for me! These road games are making me wish we hadn’t sprung for the cable package. Maybe we were better off not seeing a lot of these games?? 😉

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