Will Marriage Defenders Fight This As Immoral Too?

24 06 2010

There will be many travelers on this journey . . .
Mary Nell and I call ourselves the “New American Family,” and perhaps we are a Marriage of Three. . .
I have no answers for others, offering only what I have done and learned and chosen, knowing that it was right — for me.

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8 responses

24 06 2010
COD

Wow, what a heartbreaking story. And frankly, it’s just way too depressing for me to think about.

24 06 2010
JJ

Our next-door neighbors had a similar happy and very traditional Americana story that turned heartbreaking at the end of the marriage 50-plus years later. He was newly in the Navy and she still a girl in a military family, both in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941. They were married on a Hawaiian beach, he rose to fleet commander, they had three kids. By the time we moved in next door ten years ago, they were retired to play golf and tennis, a generation older than we and loved our little kids as surrogates for their distant grandkids. We exchanged cookies and old Christmas decorations. When a giant oak fell on their house one June night, DH went to help them out (literally, GET them out) because they were getting frailer but still feisty, that kind of thing.

Then the Commander had a series of small strokes and as he got better, she got worse and less mobile with some mysterious nerve problems and wound up in assisted care. He would get up every morning and go sit with her all day long, come back home to walk the dog and sleep and then do it all again, for a couple of years. One day she begged to go home and cried, and he became determined to care for her himself as she wished. Against all advice. Got her home and it turned out she meant her little-girl home, her mother’s home. He hadn’t realized it was the beginning of the end of their life together past, present and future, because she was losing it all. Put her back in the facility (which was apparently a gut-wrenching battle) and came home, and died himself. It was just a few weeks ago. I hear that the youngest child is selling the house and leaving the mom where she is, and that’s that.

24 06 2010
JJ

But feeling connected to each other, to humanity generally, helps. What I find really depressing is the thought of loving individuals enduring loss and challenge and finding their own new paths, then on top of all that, being judged and expelled and fired and discriminated against by beastly immoral idiots in the name of “family values” . . .

24 06 2010
Audrey

Yes, the so-called “marriage-defenders” will probably pummel this story with all kinds of outrage. The so-called “marriage-defenders” only care about a precisely defined and executed arrangement. They don’t particularly care about the myriad aspects of love.

24 06 2010
JJ

Or even story!

25 06 2010
NanceConfer

I hear that the youngest child is selling the house and leaving the mom where she is, and that’s that.

**That’s where we’re at now with my MIL. The house is being readied for sale (or, more likely, rent in this horrible market) after years of QVC-addict hoarding and many messy medical issues. But MIL hasn’t been informed of all the details yet. She’s in a wonderful assisted living and adjusting pretty well. But she’s not aware enough to make sensible decisions. She’s still ordering things from QVC (we refused delivery on 12 out of 13 items yesterday; I accepted the food delivery because we didn’t know how that would work; turns out it was $60 worth of crab cakes; no, we won’t be consulting with her on what to do with the house and all that stuff; the five children and spouses will have to handle it).

25 06 2010
JJ

Nance, is it crazy to imagine setting up a sort of fake QVC ordering experience for her, where she watches the real thing and calls and orders, but the phone she’s using actually goes to a family member or some volunteer companion type in another room at the facility? So she’d still get that phone connection where she is “in charge” and being the customer to someone who defers to her as a shopper, and all the watching as a participant?

I mean if she were a slot machine fan and it kept her calm all day, or video poker or whatever, isn’t that how it would be handled? I don’t know — we’ve had other strange problems galore but never this one — but I’m sincerely wondering. Is there some legal problem with such ideas, perhaps, if she isn’t technically incompetent and thus still has all those individual rights she’s no longer competent to exercise?

25 06 2010
NanceConfer

At the moment, she is doing something like that. She orders, we refuse delivery. Eventually, QVC will acknowledge one of the many requests faxed with appropriate paperwork and cancel her accounts. Until then. . .

But when that day finally comes, we may have to think up something along the lines of your suggestion.

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