“Fear is not a good thing for relationships.”
Have you heard of celebrity Jessica Alba? Most young moms will have done, probably. Her fame hadn’t reached me though, until thanks to Nance and Deanne, I first caught her act this week.
She admits to locking her toddler in the bathroom with the lights off because “her previous methods weren’t scary enough to keep the tot from behaving badly.” But, she tries to justify the practice by saying:
I mean, we don’t believe in, like, spankings. Or like when I was a kid I used to get hot sauce in my mouth . . .
In her television-and-film stunted-story mind, that’s “creative discipline” rather than, like, creative abuse?
Like, no, let me see if I can talk your childish gibberish teevee language to help you pay attention so you can behave better than this. Here’s what it’s, like, really like: it’s like the oh-so-creepy choco-beast tv commercials where mom and dad in spooky darkness, purposely terrify their children all to warn them away from their dessert stash in the fridge.
Then they laugh and congratulate each other on their kids’ screams.
Alba is like, the perfect celebrity to star in those commercials, too bad she wasn’t cast! Did her agent not know, somehow never realized she’s been playing out that role at home in a self-produced sequel of her own poorly-parented childhood, for a captive (and I do mean captive) audience of one helpless and unlucky little girl?
I’m very strict with her. When it’s time for her to eat, whether she’s hollering or whatever, it’s time to eat. She gets a time out if she cries for no reason. So then she stops because she doesn’t want a time out.
What she learned about parenting and teaching from her own childhood made her anorexic and authority-averse, according to her bio-and-quotes page at IMBD:
I wasn’t given a whole lot in my life. I was on the bottom of the class system. But I got wisdom. I never just did what people told me. I questioned everything. . .
From a very early age, I remember thinking that adults were always acting like assholes. I couldn’t understand why I had to respect them. My pre-school teacher forced me to write right-handed when I was left-handed. I didn’t get why I had to change. Nobody could give me a reason. I have had a big problem with authority ever since.
Yet now she has no trouble wielding adult authority herself and considers locking a toddler in the dark bathroom not merely “creative” but hard-won “wisdom” she’s proud to publicize for her fans.
So like, here’s my creative wisdom:
Alba’s real-life parenting performance might, like, be rewritten for the next act with some creative adult education, maybe call it method acting for post-pregnancy reality show stars — worth at least as much study preparing for one’s maternal starring vehicle as was creative sex during pregnancy.
She should start with some scary time locked in her own bathroom but, like, with the lights ON to make it even scarier, so she can read about this real-life (and real death) confinement-as-discipline case from AZ, of a ten-year-old girl:
“. . .admitted putting the child in the trunk and padlocking it. . .
John Allen was allegedly angry with Deal because she had taken a popsicle from the freezer. . .
And if that, like, doesn’t work because it isn’t like, sufficiently scary enough to make the damaged child inside Jessica Alba at least wise enough so that she can behave better as a parent than as a sex object, then let’s get “creative” by her lights: you turn out her lights while I, like, get the hot sauce.
It won’t work either, but at least we won’t have to smack her around.